Archive for March, 2016

This is a picture I drew and painted

Phronemophobic Girl

“Come sit next to me
And tell me a bedtime story
One that helps me sleep, serenely
Spare the gory details
I don’t want it to be scary
You know, some ghosts
They tend to haunt me permanently.

Cause when tomorrow comes
And you walk out that door
Then I’ll be here all alone
Sitting on the floor, waiting by the phone
Cause when I’m left alone
I’m left alone with all my fears
And I try to keep, I try to stay strong
But some of these monsters become real.

So when you arrive from work
Will you be ready to hear me out?
When you come in through that door
Will you be willing to hold me still?

If I tell you all of my feelings
Would you be willing to listen?
If I tell you all how it was
Would you help me deal with them?

Maybe together we’ll find the cause.

I know it’s best not to speak of this at dinner
Or while you’re kicking off your shoes and stretching out
Do you think we could address it, maybe after?
There a few things I wish we could talk about.

Do you think you can? Would you be able?
Or would it be best not to speak about at all?
Would it be good just to keep it under the table?
And like scraps of our lives feed them to the dogs.

If I tell you how I am feeling
Would you be willing to listen?
If I tell you all how it was
Would you help me deal with them?

Maybe together we’ll find the cause.

Cause when I open up
I’m left with these tangling pieces
The shell I wear begins to erupt
And the fear in me increases.

So when you come to bed with me
And start reading me that story
Spare the parts that might seem scary
They might haunt me permanently.

Cause after tomorrow
When you walk out that door
To drive off to your work
I’ll be here all alone
With all these shadowy crippling fears
And though I’m trying to keep strong
Some of these monsters become real.”

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How everything is not what it seems, sadly. Wrote this a few weeks ago.

The Color of Your Words

Pink to yellow
Then red to black
And back to blue
And there’s something about you
Might as well take advantage
But not in the way most people think.

All I can see is
You cannot see me
All I can sense is
That I’m invisible
Naked to the eye
Of those who love me
Naked to the eye
Of those I see through.

Pink to yellow
Then red to black
And back to blue
And there’s something about us
Might as well speak it out
But I won’t do for certain reasons still.

All I can see is
You cannot see me
Not in the way
I wish to be seen
Naked to the intention
For those who love me
Naked to the intention
For those I love too.

I’m floating in a space that’s private
In a sky that I’m not allowed
Thinking of reaching to a person
That doesn’t want to be reached
At least not by me
By the world
But not by me
I’m invisible in this imaginary state.

The color of your words
Sometimes I think they glow for me
But just when light hits them
Hallucinating it has something to do with me being here.

In this game of chance, sometimes all you have in your cards is a losing hand. I wrote this a few weeks ago.

Losing Hand

On, and off
It’s like a switch
And I’m not sure
Of how I feel about it.

It’s like a pressing
In my chest
It feels so beautiful
I feel so miserable.

Put a wall in front of it
Put a wall around it
Am I alone in this?
Am I alone in this?

On, and off
It’s like a switch
And I’m not sure
Of what to do with it.

It’s like a pressing
In my chest
It feels so different
I feel so imprudent.

Put a stop to all of it
Put a stop to all in all
I feel alone in this
Am I alone in this?

I don’t know what to make of it
I don’t know how anything like this can be possible
Wake up from a dream to become a nightmare
And realize all of this time I was all alone.

Psykhê

Come whisperer of chances
Screaming at the four winds
That I have lost my time
Come bringer of dreams
Laughing and drunk with friends
That my nightmare is alive.

If I could cut it up and cut it out
I would stop using this knife
To nick on my skin and wrists
And gradually killing my life.

All of my words have been murdered
All of my hope has drowned
Only if I could reach for the sky again
Only if I could reach for the crown
Maybe, just maybe
But maybe is for fools
When you have wasted your life waiting
I don’t want to wait
I want to have, right, NOW!!!

So give it to me
Even if I have to steal it from you
I’m so sorry
I wasn’t given any other choice.

I need love to serenade my soul
And peace to calm on my anger
And all I find is indifference and insufficiency
And disrespect and intolerance
All of the pride that you can choke on
All this bullshit about sexism, racism and
Simply I’m tired of dealing with this
I just want arms to hold me
And make me feel the warmth
And a voice to tell me;
“You’ll never be alone again.”

Come dealer of riches
And with a smirk on your face, tell me
I’ll always be broke
Come blesser of love
Fronting with your boys and your lovers
I will die being alone.

The pain of losing someone dear to you

The Dearly Departed

Please don’t depart from here
I think it’s far too soon
Maybe you can linger a bit longer
At least for a few years now
Before we have to say goodbye
I don’t want this to be the end
Tell that place that awaits you
That we still need you here.

Woke up the next morning
And you were already gone
And a big gap grew inside my body
Where my heart and my soul used to be.

There are news that I don’t want to hear
Tell me it’s a lie, tell me it’s not true
Tell me this is just a bad dream
And that soon I will be waking from it.

And when I do,
You’ll be next to me
Just like you used to,
As it should be.

You took a piece of my life
When God decided to call on your name
I think it was all a mistake
And now nothing will ever be the same
Cause here there’s someone
That still loves you, that still weeps for you
And in my dreams
I still long for your return
Knowing that that will never happen
Completely devastates me.

No matter how much
I close and open my eyes
What gone it is gone
And how I wish to feel you
To touch your face again
To hold you in my arms
Come back to me, please
Don’t be only a memory.

Please don’t depart from here
I think it’s far too soon
Maybe you can linger a bit longer
At least for a few years now…
Maybe forever…
Maybe for an eternity…
Maybe…
I’m sorry…
Please…
Come…
Back…
Please…

A poem of a thought that has been going on and on in my mind for years now.

So Stupid

This is stupid.
This is not me.
What the hell am I doing?
Trying to figure out
all this mess in my head.
So what the hell made me think
that this would be a good idea?

I was thinking
that maybe if there was a possibility,
that I would rather take it,
instead of letting it fade away.
Foolish intention,
for my even more foolish heart.
What made me think that it would be feasible,
when my chances are less than none?

I don’t blame you
for everything I’ve been feeling,
for all of the angels dancing in my reverie.
You haven’t been feeding my illusion at all
And if anything felt anything more than friendly.
It is my fault for I misinterpreted the gesture
when there was no signal at all.
So I’m sorry for placing myself
in the thoughts of the ones you truly love.

I must admit,
I must confess,
I just felt lonely for a moment.
I felt completely vulnerable,
and I thought that maybe,
just maybe,
you just understood
what it is
to feel like this.
I thought that maybe,
just maybe,
You just felt
the way I do.
But I guess
I’m on the wrong
Again,
and again
I’m all alone
in this.

So. sorry
for having wasted your time,
when you’re so busy
in your beauty and seclusion,
that I thought
that my ugly self
could keep you company,
in all those nights
that you cry in secret,
for all those times
that you feel unheeded.

How deep the mighty have fallen,
or however that saying goes.
I made the mistake of being predisposed,
to make myself susceptible
to the humiliation,
and the rejection,
and all of the aftermath that goes along with it.
Cause now you just don’t simply
know how stupid I can be, I am at times.
No, you cannot only use this to manipulate me,
to mock me,
to laugh with your friends at my expense,
To make me feel like I’m under you,
But also to destroy this beautiful friendship
that has taken so much effort to build,
Just because I was witless enough
To tell you how I fragile and needy I felt at one point.

Inherent of Itself

I say, burn it all down
Burn it all down, girl
I’ll stay here, right beside
Till it all goes to the ground.

Cause the ghosts of the hands can’t “untouch” us
And the strike of the words can’t “unhurt” us

So I say, burn it all down
Burn it all till there’s nothing left
I’ll stay here, right beside you
Till you feel comfort to move on.

Cause the sand won’t go back to its prison bottle
And our tears, they go down the river with the bodies…

And so they rest and dream
Of the dreams I couldn’t dream
But now you do
Rest on, my friend, rest forever.

I should’ve kissed you when I had the chance
I should’ve told you how I felt then…

Maybe things would’ve ended up different
Maybe I would’ve done the very the same.