Posts Tagged ‘hurting’

I don’t know what the future holds but one thing is for sure I’ll keep on writing. This one is from Amanda White

Archipelago

Category and distance
Those are the rules of being polite
I’ve never met anybody
Quite as honest, as harsh as you.

You shine like a star
You are burning
You’re hot like lava
And I’m melting.

This is building a bridge
To places I’ve never wanted to go in me
I know we wanted to turn our islands
Into a sweet paradise, into a big archipelago.

But you’re ticking on like a time bomb
And I’m the putting up the hours
There’s no switch to turn the senses off
So the sweet is turning sour.

Residues of an apparent lifetime
Like ghosts of an abandoned habitat
We could’ve been so kind
But instead we only brought the bad.

You shined like a star
You were burning
You were hot like lava
Until you melted in.

And the house we were edifying
Didn’t have a strong foundation to withstand it
And now it’s time to close down that door
And in all sadness, leave you right behind it.

Cause you came like a match reaching me
And I’m a jasmine scented fuel tank
And with your fire, I burned and burned good
So now I cannot allow myself to keep on corroding.

So it’s time for our souls to take sail
As our hearts, hopes and dreams to sink
I’m now deciding for our winnings and fails
And you can think whatever you wish to think

But its time…
It’s time to be formal
It’s time to be strangers
Back to gaps and silence bits
Back to feeling somehow unfit.

Time will help me forget about all the wounds
Time will help me forget all about you
Time will only tell if we will remain friends
Or if inside my pain I’ll whisper “screw you.”

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The Voice of the Devil

Grab on this corpse
And put it back in
Oh, how much have I long
For the day I welcome the misery
Back into my arms
Back into my soul
No, I will not understand
Yes, I will be cold
Push aside in despite
Of all the good I’ve done
Oh what a passage of rite
So callous to the bone
Chew it and spit it out
The taste have grown stale
As I scream and I shout
And watch this ship go to sail.

This storm, oh holy diabolical confusion
The intrusion of the so called friends
For now you’ll enjoy the division
But all your angels will soon become fiends
Every mistake back at you
I will be happy when the death touches
The one thing leading you through
I wanna see it lie in the dirt with the roaches.

Oh, happiness
Am I the only one grieving?
Seem like you’re smiling
Is it so fruitful what you’re conceiving?
This knife on my back
I will one day take it out
And I will draw a track
To disfigure your surmount.

You all come in packages
I was thrown down here
And all the dark influences
Will strike as your biggest fear
Come on, the one you will hate
Come on, the one that will not tolerate
Self-destruction with you tied to me
Cause if I go down, you’ll go down with me.

New Amanda White poem.

MMM

Brand new
He promised me I’d be brand new
But how can I be
When since I can remember
They kept unwrapping me
Out for dessert
At lunch, and at dinner
And sometimes at breakfast
While everyone’s still asleep.

Here at the magical center
Where all of my flaws can be eradicated
Let me be hospitalized for awhile
Maybe then the Mister Master Medic
Can heal me from all of my bad feelings
Get rid of all the pain under my skin
And all the way around and inside
Just right where they injected all the bad seeds into my mind.

Used to
I’m so used to all you people looking at
As if it was my fault
Well, then, I can take it
I can take all of the stares
And the whispers
And all the rumors across
Here in my head, my heart
My soul and in my own house.

Here at the magical center
Where all of my bad self can be baptized
Let me go underwater for awhile
Maybe then the Mister Master Medic
Can heal me from all of my night terrors
Get rid of all the ache under my bones
And all the way around and inside
Just right where they injected all the bad seeds into my mind.

One day from a velvet girl
I’ll become a red head woman
One day this strawberry child
Will become ripe on her own merits.

Does it taste different, just a bit stale after a while?
Does the savor changes after being “sampled” for so long?
Oh, lover, how I wish I was in a brand new packaging?
Become the brand with a flavor that you’d enjoy the most.

I haven’t written anything about myself in months. I feel it’s time that I do, so… This is where I left off…

Prison Ward

So I decided to pull the trigger after all
Since I was being cornered against the wall
All the people that were there was no more
Again, it was me against the whole damn world.

Everywhere I turned it was a locked door
And when I asked for help they asked back “what for?”
So the molten lava inside my chest started to boil
And the knives in my back started eating up whole.

I’ve built a prison for my thoughts
‘Cause everyone is either tired or bored of them
And though I’m not as good to speak things as I was
It feels weird to bury them after watching them burn.

So after I went out of the place I was supposed to feel safe
I was back to “I hope you’re happy with what you’ve done” bullshit
That’s another scar on my heart that from now on I’ll wear
This one goes to the hidden chest inside my chest that I’ll keep, I swear.

I always hold onto the wound, or so you will say
You better start thinking of running away like you tried that day
Once more, I helped myself, when no one was there for me
On my black list, I scratched your name, ‘cause you no longer exist.

I’ve built a prison for my feelings
‘Cause everyone is either offended by or unaware of them
And though I’m not as good to speak things as I was then
It feels weird to bite my tongue as I witness my insides turn.

I’m my own prison ward
And you’re not welcome here
You can talk with the representative
But never again to the real living being.

The prisoner inside myself
Will never forget what you’ve done
I hope you’re happy with it has happened
A doppelgänger is wearing my skin and living in our home.

That Muscle Called the Heart

So the ghost of the face of you stood frozen in my screen
It’s the most beautiful and heart-breaking thing I’ve ever seen
My fingertips try to feel your life, but they can never reach
I imagine where you are, maybe out there in the mall or enjoying the sun in the beach.

This road here is leading nowhere, I’m stuck in the same place
When I first came I promised my love I’d overcome all this pain
Now I feel like I’m at the end of my rope, the end of this race
And I never amounted to anything, and I have nobody else to blame.

So when will, if ever, this show finally close its curtains?
I’ve exposed my life to the point that everyone knows a piece of me
Don’t you know I want to run and be like it was in the beginning?
With the innocence, and a smile and the hope that everything will fix itself.

So the ghost of the face of you stood frozen in my screen
Reminding everything I’ve lost, and how lost I have been
My fingertips try to feel your life, but they can never reach
I wish I could be for you a good example, but the distance won’t allow me to teach.

You’ll only know what they’ve told you about me
The only person that you’ll have missing in your life
Oh, my children, you don’t know much I wish to have you here with me
But instead I have to confront this endless loop of strife.

This is the last one for the day…

Mouse Wheel

Without this I’m nothing
I think we were designed to feel like this
Feed on your ego, choke on your pride
Cause right now I only feel dead inside.

Without this I’m nothing
I don’t have another way to let it go
You might’ve found success
You might’ve made it
But I’m still battling to find my spot.

I’m not the master of my art
But a slave to it
For everything that hurts
I scribble it.

Without this I’m nothing
And even with it I feel the same
Maybe it’s time to see a therapist
And play their chasing game.

Without this I’m nothing
I only wish for anyone to relate
And help me feel something
When the times come that I can no longer take.

I’m running on this mouse wheel
Chasing dreams that I’ll never catch
How do you think that makes me feel?
That from this pain I can’t unlatch?

A poem I wrote last week.

Master of Anxiety

Wasting all of my time doing nothing
But thinking how much of a loser I am
How I am always disappointing everyone
And how much I’ll fuck up again next time.

I’ve tried to overcome all of these thoughts
Tried to medicate with high all of my lows
Swallowed one too many pills attempting to kill this disease
Wishing I could kill my body if it comes to it.

I wish I could disappear in silence
But how much more invisible can I become?
I wish you could understand my anxiety
I was raised to feel like nothing and be alone.

Wasting all of my time here complaining
And thinking how much of a whiner I am
When I’m having it “good” even when I’m bleeding
Always above others as from this belt I hang.

I’ve tried to keep my stupid mouth shut
Tried to swallow my pride and confront my doubts
Zombified my mind with mindless TV ads on display
Wishing I could put my fears right where my body lays.

I wish I could undo this inner violence
But how can you fight something that has become much stronger?
I wish I could get rid of all of this anxiety
But I was taught only to fail miserably and become a loner.

Wasting all of my time staring at nothing
Thinking how much of a fucked up I have become
How I am always disappointing everyone
With the things I’m doing, with the things I’ve done.

I feel like the master of anxiety
But I know I’m more like its slave
Worrying about every little thing constantly
My own soul I cannot even save.