Posts Tagged ‘Pain’

This is the first time I write something or say something addressing about how I feel after hearing about my son’s condition. It’s been a week today since that horrible message appeared on my phone that Saturday morning.

The First Step

I think it’s time to open my heart
And reveal all these hidden scars
Like it or not, nothing I can do
For how long will I keep things from you?
My audience might be only God
Or maybe the thoughts in my head
But I have to do this, no other choice
No matter if inside I feel dead.

I’ve been searching for the things I’ve been feeling
Yes, I’ve been looking for all of the right words
Four breakdowns in less than a month
I don’t know how much I can withstand, I can uphold.

When I heard the phone rang,
I knew it was bad news
I woke up with my heart in my mouth
My biggest fear has finally become true
And I don’t know if there’s a God
But everyone has been asking me to pray to it
For all that I knew then I have forgot
And my faith isn’t exactly what it used to be.

I’ve been searching for a way to describe the feeling
Yes, I’ve been looking for a time to say the right words
Do you think that any time I will be healing?
Do you think that this tragedy will make it much worse?

This is the way I channel my emotions
I have finally found a way to try to let go
As I attach myself to every motion
Of all the things that I now know
I see evil in the faces of those who always were
And the light still hasn’t reached for me
I find kindness in the words of strangers
It’s something I never expected to be.

I’ve been searching for a way to express how I’m feeling
Yes, I’ve been looking for a way to let you all know
Do you think that any time now I will start healing?
Do you think that this life has a way to turn things around?

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This is what a friend of mine would call a “vomit” poem. This is based on the many stories I’ve heard.

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I know she sold her soul for a taste of a kiss
But all she got was the taste of his fists
She was twisted, now she needs to be torn
So he unleashes all the hell of his storm
She would get on her knees to pleasure him
But he wants more of that choking fun
She feels so dirty, tries to wash off her sins
All he fucking cares about it just to come.

A couple of lonely hearts with their faces splashed in coke
Sour pints, what a night, in and out, fate is just a joke
She looks my way and winks, but I nod and shrug upon
This is not my story; I’m just a watcher, so go and carry on

I know that through these lens evidence’s kept
But she wants to burn it all and just forget
She was abused, now she needs to be disposed
So he grabs the laces and has her roped
One punch to the mouth to have her teeth in
And he cannot stop from unleashing it all
She feels the pain, her swollen chest starts to sink
But this fucker’s having a blast, having a ball.

A couple of warped souls with their livers full of booze
Chalked lines, what a day, out and in, life is just to lose
She looks at me and weeps, but I nod and frown upon
This is not my problem; I’m just a voyeur, so carry on.

Up in the sky, the road may be different
But down here we dance, and not mind
Angels on the middle looting, participating
I may be g0d but I would also like to unwind.

Poem about some mental illness and emotional issues. It started lighter, but as i kept writing on, it became darker.

Infatuation Whore

Take me in
I don’t want
Don’t need
This reality
What you can
What’s out there
At the moment
Is enough now.

Cause beggars cannot be choosers
Throw my self-worth out the window
Put myself on sale
Something that anyone could be interested.

Put me in
Just right next
To where
Something is
Anywhere
Doesn’t matter
Just inside
Is good enough.

Cause hunger cannot be demanding
Being cheap, just like a whore
When you come to break me
Know that I’m already completely broken.

My heart might be hot garbage
But my soul is worth at least a penny
Remember that when you dismantle me
I’m selling my body because I need the money.

Don’t worry
You’re not the first who has ever touched me
In this way
Or any other way.

A very personal poem


A Voice Starting To Grow a Face

The words from your voice
Became the voice in my mind
And I kept feeding it and feeding it
Until it became the only thing I could hear

You put these monsters on front
I was the one who turned them into demons
You offered me disappointed in myself
I was the one who signed the pact and agreed on it.

Now that you’re gone
I keep having these thoughts as my masters
I feel whatever they want me to feel
And live by their law that I’ll always be worthless.

As I kept fighting your lies
Deep inside I started believing they were true
And now when I look at the mirror
I can only see the rejection, disgust and judgment.

‘Cause as you said; “this world is threatening”
“be careful who you trust in this life”
“they will break your heart and you will be nothing”
“you can only count in yourself and no one else”
I began realizing that this voice is starting to grow a face.

And with your indifference and lack of love
I learned that you were special as you screamed “You are not!”
I’m here to break the pattern, to undo the loop
This hierarchy of madness and violence stops right here.

Torn Feathers

Gone in your puzzled eyes
Your mind steers astray
Just for the lack of touch
Not only on my flesh
But what’s under it
Silence is a brick wall
Keeping you out
Keeping the pain in
Press on the clothe
We built up this gate
Dividing the home
We once called ours.

Do you think we still have a spark of a chance?
A spark of a chance to save it?
Before it’s too late?
Or is it too late already?

Torn feathers
For all the angels we have killed
The sour feelings
That we can’t make sweet again.

Sand is on the slip
Turning the hourglass
Illusion of the illusory
It was never my intention
To hurt you
With the way I’m hurting
To try to squeeze
The last drop of this scarpered love
Is this cup really empty?
Have we really given up?
I need your touch
To feel like you still feel for me.

Do you think we can save it?
Do you think we still have a spark of a chance?
Before it’s all over
Or was it over long ago?

Torn feathers
For all the angels we’ve mistreated
The darkened feelings
That we can’t make into light again.

So is our future now nothing?
Nothing that can be done to fix this?
Are you done?
With this?
With us?
With me?
Are we doomed?
Never to love or forgive one another ever again?

Taste of Opium

Sold my soul to the devil to be able to write down these lines
Talent is not inherited at birth, it’s something given when you sign the dotted line
Wasted my fifteen minutes of fame begging for a whole hour
Now I’m trapped between thoughts of who I was and who I am, it’s so sweet sour.

I have all the words growing inside my head, to send to you
I know that all of this is a damn lie, but by God it looks so much like the truth
The invisible fiery being has been calling in the back of my head
In order to carry on with the pact, I must make sacrifice, turn the living to dead.

The more I see you’re real, the less I believe that you exist
If God is in control of my life, how is it possible that I’ve never seen the exit?…
…Of this never-ending tunnel that leads me nowhere, but the same?
So play chess with the pieces, make a deal, but I was never good at that game.

I’m fighting with things that doesn’t seem to be there, it’s funny
It’s all inside of my mind, I know they can tell me what will be the end of this story
Welcome to the world of the crazies, the insanity seems to be the key
I need to unlock my full potential, so I’ll praise the darkness at the edge of the abyss.

You can give me a weird look, but I will have your full attention
I’ll be writing the words of the ghost that slips from the very next dimension
Even if it’s sounds as absurd, it’s part of the contract, so I have to mention…
…All the strings that the puppeteer who moves this wooden doll holds in suspension.

To do his bid, and have nothing in return, who would want that?
I want it all, I want the love, the lust, the envy, even if that seems pretty bad
For I am a fool, I am a charade, who claims to be what it is, but it’s not
But to be trapped in the figure of speech, when hell feels like ice cold, instead of hot.

If this will lead me to the way out, I will take it, doesn’t matter where it lands
Here have my heart, have my blood, as long as you help me crush them with my hands
Self-arrogant prick, ignorant to what he believes, I’m like the one who fell down
So eat from that apple, have the knowledge of being nude, feed off the ground.

There’s not much to tell, you know that all this is just a fairy tale
Take it as a joke, take it as obscure, they’re just voices that are ready to wail
Take it as true, take it as well, it doesn’t matter, ‘cause all of this is needed for the spell
So back to the topic, back to square one, the vampire marks are starting to swell.

When art meets extreme painful feelings

Erased Completely

Here, here is where you left me
Here, here is where you threw me away
I kept on waiting, even when you said it was over
I kept on waiting, hoping you would change your mind.

But this life is so fucking miserable
And this life is so fucking unfair
I know I hurt you, I know you hurt me
But don’t you ever think that I didn’t care.

Don’t take my feelings for less
Don’t you fucking do this to me!
Don’t take all we lived for nothing
Cause you know damn well that I loved you intensively.

Here, here is where we left off
Here, here is where you cut me off
I kept on waiting, like a canceled TV show, hoping to be renewed
I kept on waiting, like sudden death, ‘cause now I’m mourning.

But this life is such a fucking joke
And this life has put me to the test
I know I hurt you, I know you hurt me
But don’t you ever think that I didn’t try my best.

Don’t take my feelings for less
Don’t you fucking do this to me!
Don’t take all we lived for granted
Cause you know damn well that I loved you intensively.

All thrown away
Every fucking thing that grew inside my heart
Thrown away
Why should I move on and begin again?
When you’re the proof that love goes down the shitter
All your hate and indifference, tears me apart
Damn my life, I cannot stand having lost you
Please, release me, pull the trigger as you cut the cord.

Pathetic as only I can be
I always knew you were gonna end up hating me
Pathetic as only I can be
You swore, crossed your heart you were never gonna be my enemy.

And for what?
All this life is only a lie
Where I longer exist
What’s only left’s to rot and die.